I was just about to move to a new apartment, and I was telling my friend how painful the whole process is.
Getting rid of old stuff and purchasing new ones, getting a pick up truck for it, signing all sorts of papers. Then my friend said:
“Let me know if you need help with anything”
How nice of him! But maybe not.
We can’t say that this is always the case, but most probably, he is only saying this as a social protocol.
And why not, I’m sure all cultures have a social protocol, saying something nice but not really meaning it.
However, Japan seems to exceed in this complexed unspoken communication.
“Honne（本音）” is one’s true desire or feeling, which is usually hidden to the public, whereas “tatemae（建前）” is the feeling or desire one is displaying to meet one’s social norm.
Let me give you one more example.
I was invited over to my friend’s house, where we were having fun until late night.
Then, his wife asked me: “Would you like to stay over?”
Since I didn’t have anything the following day, I was delighted by the offer!
“Oh wonderful! Thank you very much. I would love to do so”
Then, she looked to her husband with a somewhat troubled look in her face.
Wife: “Oh, okay. Do we have an extra blanket?”
Husband: “Well...maybe we did. Where is it?”
Wife: “I’m not sure. Where could it be...”
It was late July, I was sure I didn’t need a blanket.
Me: “That’s fine. I’ll just sleep on the couch. No need for a blanket.”
Wife: “I see… But, I don’t want you to catch a cold…”
Me: “It’s July! Don’t worry about it”
Wife: “Yes...but, you know… it gets pretty chilly at night…”
It was then I realized.
They didn’t want me to stay over!!
Me: “Oh ok. Then maybe I should take the last train then”
All of a sudden, the looks on their faces changed, showing a clear sign of relief.
Husband: “Really? Oh we would have loved it if you could stay longer, but well, it’s getting pretty late too.”
Wife: “Yes, time flies when we are having this much fun! But I’m sure you’re a busy man, so we can’t keep you for so long”
OMG!!! How complicated is this?!
They are trying to keep their tatemae (social norm) by displaying their appreciation to me and offering to stay over. However, they are also trying to get their true feelings (honne) past that they want me to go home by coming up with every excuse they could think of.
So, how do we tell if they are using “tatemae”? Here are some points you should look out for:
1) They aren’t making eye contact with you
2) They reply to you with “yes, but…”
3) They continue to use phrases like “well…” or “you know…” and show signs that they are troubled
Basically, always try to read between the lines and don’t take everything literally. They might be being “nice” to you.
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